if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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