Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
as a side note pls kill me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
