I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
