it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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