i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
