They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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