I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
