I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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