I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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