last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I forget how to act sober
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
