WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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