my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
