I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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