You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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