Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
