Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
