I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
