She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
