Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
