Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
