do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
