how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
