I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
