So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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