This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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