; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i think my cat just said my name.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
