the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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