i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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