hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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