Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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