Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
