i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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