I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I intend to get homeless drunk
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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