dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
