the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
