Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
