I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
