I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
