apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
