my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
