from now on my penis is your penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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