The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
