i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
