Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
