Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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