Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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