I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
