All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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