Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
