No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
