i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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