I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
