That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
